My mom, just like any other, dishes out advice with the consistency and speed of a line cook. Don't take Chinese herbal medicines. Be sure to charge your cellphone battery. Don't buy things online. Don't participate in wet t-shirt contests (said before a trip to the Caribbean). Don't wear flipflops on the subway. The advice, duly given and respectable yet always humorous, is pretty much followed to begin with out of common sense. Except on Monday. The day of the "gas" smell in the city.The smell permeated everywhere, frightening everyone. And the advice from my mother came in via e-mail: "If they don't know what it is, how do you know it's not dangerous? Do not take the subway. Take taxi. Drink lots of juice and take care of yourself." It was so quaint and cute and it made me laugh. And I took the subway to work.
The train pulled into 34th Street, the doors opened, and about five people waiting on the platform got on. But as they cleared away, there stood a man on the platform, an ordinary looking man in grayish sweatpants. Ordinary except for the fact that his sweatpants were pulled down and he was showcasing his large, excited manhood. AAAA!! Why didn't the doors close? Why didn't we pull away? But no, the doors to the subway stood there, as if egging him on. And he was sort of staring at a woman who just got on the train, looking at her and then looking down at himself, and then back up at her eagerly, jiggling himself. Ew! I stared at this man in anger, in horror and curiosity. He actually looked like a normal guy, except maybe for the slight crazy eyes. But what was freaking me out even more was that nobody else seemed to notice him! Not the people who were standing there on the platform and who got on the train, not the people sitting on the train facing him. I looked around me, listened, nobody seemed to notice. How can you not notice this man, a few feet away from us, completely exposed and playing with himself?! It was almost a farce. It felt like a dream. Well, er, nightmare. Finally the doors closed and the train moved along. I knew I should've listened to my mom's advice.
19 comments:
how vile! ah, but it's just another day in new york ...
happy new year to you too!
if that happened to me, i might consider taking the taxi. . . though i hate taking cabs, so maybe not. i've noticed that the subway doors are amazingly good at not closing when you want them to (like if you're in a hurry, they just keep bouncing open and close) and closing when you don't want them to (pretty much every other time, and on your arm too)
HA! That's amazing! God, I miss the subways, well maybe not really..
That sometimes happens on the El in Chicago...generally, I find it works to point and laugh! :) Definately "deflates" the problem and bruses the mans ego.
I have no point of reference-The only subways we have are really bad sandwich joints!
OMG - totally throws me back to my traumatic beginnings in the city coming from a tiny town as a teenager.
I get on the bus and sit by the window. A man sits beside me, puts a bag on his lap and starts playing with himself. I keep thinking "What do I do? What do I do?"
I ring for the stop and say "Excuse me" He just slightly moves his legs to the side for me to pass and the only thing I can think of is "There's no freakin way I'm touching this creep". So I hip check him. Hard. He goes flying off the seat and is lying in the aisle and I'm literally stepping on him in my panic to get off the bus while the other patrons are laughing.
Traumatized, I get home and tell my Mom of my awful adventure - she starts to laugh and asks me "Was his weiner hanging out when he was lying in the aisle?"
Oh no, what an awful sight to see. That is surprising no one else around you noticed!!
That's a sweet note your mom emailed you. I get emails from my parents like that too.
Evilgenius, I was wondering the same thing as your mom. Was it?
And fear not, Pinknest. Stay here as long as I have and this type of thing will happen over and over and over again. I'm sure you were afraid that it was an isolated event.
nothing amazes new yorkers!
don't get me wrong, i've had my fair share of vile public displays from the metro to the T and that's not what fazes me. it's that nobody seemed to even see this man and i felt like i was dreaming, as if this man did a show just for me!
ps evilgenius---i was also wondering the same thing.
sorry. I was just having "one of those days"
I had no idea at the time if he was hanging out, I was too mortified and focused on getting off the bus - lol.
Although, after careful consideration, my mother and I decided that yes, he must have been hanging out. Afterall, everyone was killing themselves laughing and I figure, girl stepping all over man on bus = not so funny. Girl stepping all over man on bus with his penis hanging out = funny as hell.
i think that is a wise conclusion. lol!
Plus my imagining him hanging out as I step all over him gives me more satisfaction to think that everyone on the bus got to see what a freak he was!!!
--shudder--
OH MAN
i'm so sorry you had to see that. EEW
oh.my.god.
Why did you not take a photo? What kind of blogger are you?!
I'm surprised my mom hasn't called me yet and told me to "stay warm and don't drive!" because we're about to get an "arctic" storm down here.
he didn't meet quality standards.
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